Ep 74 – How to be More Assertive Without Being a D*ck

Hello and welcome to this week's episode.

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Today is a great one because

we are talking about how to be

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assertive without being a dick.

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Now we know that is a super strong

title and a little bit tongue in

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cheek, but lately between both of our

clients, we've heard so many rants

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about stupid feedback and feedback

that isn't really that actionable.

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You are too nice.

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You need to speak up more in meetings.

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You need to toughen up.

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So we were like, let's talk about this

on the podcast, because this comes up

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for a lot of people generally, and we

thought it's a really good time to think

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about how you can be more assertive.

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And especially if you're thinking

that this is something that you want

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to develop, then this is going to be

really good for you to think about.

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And what we'll do is we'll go through

the benefits and we'll also give you

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some tips on how you can do that as well.

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Jacqui, you can get us started on

this because I know this is something

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that's quite close to your heart.

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Jacqui: I'm having to

rein myself in already.

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We're a minute into the podcast.

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Yeah.

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This is a real passion of mine because

so many of my clients have heard

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or made these assumptions that you

can't be nice and be assertive or

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you can't be polite and be direct.

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There is this feeling that being

more assertive becomes in the

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territory of speaking over people,

talking louder, thumping the table,

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and all of those kinds of things.

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And so people who are great people and

who are either aspiring leaders or who

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are in their first leadership role have

found this a real challenge to navigate.

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How do I deliver the level of

assertiveness that I want to

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and that I need to how do I

set myself in the right way.

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But without sacrificing that

human element, how do I do it

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in a way that stays true to me?

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And that was where the title came from,

because it's a comment from a client.

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I really need to learn how to be more

assertive, but I don't want to be a dick.

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So that was where the title came from.

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Pam: Yeah, and it is, it's really it's one

of those topics, isn't it, where everybody

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knows they need to be more assertive, but

then when you get that feedback and you're

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like, what could I have done differently?

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What will I do differently next time?

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And sometimes you get yourself

so tied up in knots, don't you?

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So I suppose we could start

with going through the benefits

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of why being assertive.

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In the workplace is

going to really help you.

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And also not just help you in those

meetings and just generally in the

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workplace, but also help with your

career progression and personal brands.

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I think it links in really

nicely as well, doesn't it?

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With personal brand.

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Jacqui: It does.

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It links into so many other things.

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It links into personal brand.

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It links into presence.

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It links into that career development

strategy and being seen and noticed in

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the right way for future opportunities.

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So there are stacks of benefits to finding

and striking this right balance between

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asserting yourself and having that degree

of presence without taking it too far.

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So just to run through them really

quickly and simply and I imagine with

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the people that tend to listen to

our podcast, we're probably preaching

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to the converted, but I think it

is worth just running through them.

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So you've got the benefits in terms of

first and foremost, your own confidence.

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That's the bit that I really enjoy

when I work with clients is that when

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they find ways to assert themselves,

that still feel true to them and that

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still feel natural and that are small

tweaks rather than trying to be what

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they think they're supposed to be.

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Then their confidence skyrockets

because it's okay, fine.

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It's possible for me.

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I can get my message across.

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I can be heard.

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I can be listened to.

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And that really helps to boost

and confidence can be a real

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challenge for people in their

first senior leadership role.

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And that's who I'm typically working with.

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So for me, that's naturally

the first place that.

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I go to in terms of the benefits.

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How about for you?

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What do you see from your

clients or from your experience?

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Pam: I think it's definitely confidence as

well, because I suppose with confidence,

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I always think confidence is a funny thing

because the only way you can increase

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your confidence is by taking the action.

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So to gain confidence in those

situations, you really do need to

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start asserting yourself, don't you?

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And we talked about this in the episode

when we discussed radical candor.

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I think that also links in

really nicely with this one.

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And we can link to that in the show

notes as well, because when you

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realize that you can be assertive

and you can be direct and you can be

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nice and you can still be direct, it

really does make all that difference.

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And when you.

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Almost, I suppose it's

overcoming the fear.

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It was for me because I found that

I didn't always speak up in meetings

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because, what if I said the wrong

thing or what if somebody shot me down?

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And when I just started being really

direct, but in a really nice way and

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a really understanding way, looking

at all the facts and being direct, it

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did start to make all the difference.

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The more I practiced that, the easier

it became, the more confidence I gained.

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So it almost becomes

second nature, doesn't it?

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When you practice doing that, or when

you're really intentional with it as well.

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Jacqui: It really does.

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It really does.

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And I think another area that becomes

less of a challenge when you're more

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assertive is setting boundaries.

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And that's another episode that

we've done that we know people

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can struggle with sometimes.

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How do I set the boundaries?

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How do I avoid other people making

unreasonable demands on me and my time.

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And the more you build your skill

of asserting yourself and advocating

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for what's right for you, the easier

it becomes to say no to the things

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that don't work for you and that

are outside of your boundaries.

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So I think that's a really important

aspect of being more assertive too.

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Pam: Yeah, I think that's a really good

one as well, because with the clearer

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boundaries, I think some of the feedback

that I get from my clients is that they

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don't really know what their boundaries

should look like or should actually be.

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And I always feel with that, it can be a

tricky one to start thinking about because

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ordinarily you don't think in boundaries.

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Do you just think about

getting a job done?

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But actually when you start being

more intentional with that as

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well and thinking about, when

are people overstepping the mark?

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When are people pushing me to, to

do more or to work more hours and

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all of that kind of stuff, that's

when you can start going, okay.

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Maybe there's a boundary that needs

to be implemented there because this

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doesn't feel right or comfortable for me.

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And when you start thinking about

it more, that's when you can

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start really focusing in on what

should those boundaries look like.

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Jacqui: The final one, probably, although

there are many more, but again, we have

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to limit it for the length of the podcast.

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But the other area for me, that's

a real benefit is around conflict

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and negotiation, where people who

are able to assert themselves can

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navigate those types of situations

with far more comfort and ease.

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So instead of things being brushed

under the carpet or left to bubble

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under, if you've got that skill to be

able to enter into a negotiation or

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to tackle a situation before conflict

becomes combat, then you really build

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that ability to keep things moving in

the way that you want and need them

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to work for you and for your team and

to be able to operate and integrate

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with other areas of the business.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And I think in my career, particularly

that was a game changer for me,

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like understanding that I can.

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have a disagreement with somebody

and it doesn't have to be a full

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on argument or become a war.

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It literally can just be a disagreement

and we can work through that and we

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can find a resolution and I don't

need to take offense to those things.

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That was a huge game changer for me.

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And that realization that conflict

and dispute are part of the job and my

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response and reaction to those really

make the difference in how I handle those.

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And actually that really helped

in building my confidence back

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in the corporate world as well.

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Jacqui: So let's talk about some of

the practical tips and strategies then.

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And we've separated these into

communication and behavior.

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So a lot of being more assertive is

about finding ways to communicate

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slightly differently that allow you

to get your message across maybe

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in a slightly different way, or

allow you to get your message heard

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where you might not otherwise.

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So our first tip around more assertive

communication is to be clear and

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be direct, which sounds simple.

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But isn't always easy.

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Pam: Yeah, and that's the thing, isn't it?

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Because sometimes you think you're

being clear and direct, but sometimes

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you're also not being clear and direct.

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So it's about having that

sense check in place, isn't it?

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So the, whether you are setting

expectations with your team, whether

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you're providing feedback or whether

you are establishing boundaries

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around your availability and your

responsibilities, that you make sure that

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those communications are super clear and

direct, and you don't have to be rude.

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And you don't have to be blunt with

people, but it's just about stating your

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perspectives and your needs and your

limits in a really respectful way, without

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leaving any room for misinterpretation.

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Jacqui: I really like that point

of, not room for misinterpretation.

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For me, that really speaks to the heart

of what clear direct communication is.

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And one way that I see my clients struggle

is they try and soften the communication

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and they go into over explaining mode.

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So they start with something that is quite

clear and direct, but then they add to it.

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Or they repeat it in a slightly

different way, or they talk

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for longer than they need to.

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And what that means is that the

message can be lost in amongst all of

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the other words that are happening.

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Pam: Yeah, that is so true.

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And I think that can happen quite

a lot, especially from a new leader

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perspective as well, when you're trying

to make that really good impression,

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when you're trying to be, this super

strong brand new leader in a new

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role, and you want to make that great

impression, it can be so easy to go off

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on a tangent or to, almost, I suppose in

some ways it's like waffling on a little

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bit more than you need to, isn't it?

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And then your message can be

totally diluted and misinterpreted.

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Jacqui: And you can

become apologetic as well.

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When you're explaining something,

going into further explanation,

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your tone can become apologetic.

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Because you haven't got your message

across quickly and succinctly, that's

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when I see people then the emphasis

becomes on this more apologetic tone.

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I'm taking up your time.

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I'm having to explain something.

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I might be repeating

what you already know.

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And I think sometimes this is

about giving yourself more time

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to think before you communicate.

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And we found this with

the podcast, haven't we?

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Where we used to think about,

okay, what's the general topic?

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We'd hit record.

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We'd start having a conversation.

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We'd find that we'd gone off on tangents.

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We'd find that we were talking

more about an area that perhaps

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wasn't what we wanted to emphasize.

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And so we recognize that as much

as it might take a bit longer

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to plan ahead more, when we hit

record, we're more likely to get

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that episode done more quickly.

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And I think the same applies when you are

delivering communication in the workplace,

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a bit more preparation and a bit more

thought before you deliver a verbal

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communication or before you start to write

an email allows you to get that message

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across more clearly and more directly.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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That is true.

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And especially if you're providing

feedback that you feel, might not

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be taken in the best possible way,

you might want to write out that

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communication and come back to it later

on, and that's the thing, isn't it?

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Because so often, I've been

guilty of doing it myself.

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I'm sure everyone that's listening will

have done something similar where, you

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send almost like a rant back or somebody

is like, took you off guard and you're

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typing out this big email back or,

a direct message or whatever it is.

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And you just type it, you send it and

then afterwards you think, probably

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should have waited and, had a little think

about that for a little while longer.

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It is good.

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So definitely give more thoughts to

what you want to communicate in the

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way that you want to communicate that.

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And I think sometimes you do

need to step away, don't you?

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And then come back and go, is this,

with fresh eyes, is this still the way

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that I want to communicate this message?

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Jacqui: I think that highlights a

point that assertive communication

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is more logical driven rather

than more emotion driven.

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So what you're describing there

with that email rant back is that

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there's that emotive response.

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There's a reaction to it.

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As opposed to that considered

measured approach that time and

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that planning can allow you to do.

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So when you have that more measured

approach, as opposed to emotionally

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driven, that can be a way to deliver a

more assertive form of communication.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And then the other thing that we were

talking about before we started the

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podcast was slowing down, wasn't it?

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And removing the filler words.

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And I think that was that's

something that we've definitely

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had to do on the podcast, isn't it?

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Jacqui: Yeah.

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So filler words are um, uh, you know.

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Like, I think these kinds of things,

if you want to know just how much you

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use those, record yourself having a

conversation, look back, because we felt

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that we were probably fairly assertive

communicators, fairly clear communicators.

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And then we started this podcast and.

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slapped in the face that we do

tend to get excited, our pace

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increases, we use filler words.

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So for us, this has been a

training ground in adjusting our

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communication and our approach.

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So a simple way to do it is genuinely

to record yourself and to listen back.

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Do you sound measured, considered

a slightly slower pace, or do you

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particularly wait again when emotion

comes in, when you get passionate

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about something, people tend to speed

up, if you're nervous, then very

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often you try and rush to get through

to the end of what you're saying.

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So those types of things

can really impact.

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And if you want to be perceived

as more assertive, then training

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yourself to slow down, to use

pauses and not to use filler words.

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Okay.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And I think listening back to yourself,

listening back to your own recordings is

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something that you also need to practice

because I know at the start when we

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started the podcast and all of the videos

and things like that, that I've done.

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I would not listen back to any

of them because I would cringe.

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I would be like, is that how

I really sound in real life?

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But you almost get over that and then

allow yourself to understand, how you do

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come across and take those learnings away.

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And it does really help.

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And.

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I always take it back to

interview prep, but it's perfect

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for interview prep as well.

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So that, exactly how you're

coming across to employers and

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can really help you to refine your

answers or communications really.

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But it's such a good thing to start doing

and being again, being really intentional

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about for your own personal development.

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Jacqui: We talk about that all the time

with recruitment being a two way process.

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And assertive is when you engage

with that as a two way process and

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you're not passive and desperate

for them to offer you the job.

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So an interview is the perfect time to

use assertive communication style and

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to find that balance and to explain

and to articulate well without showing

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nerves or without becoming aggressive.

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And I think the final point we have

on communication tips is really

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helpful when it comes to avoiding

if you're more the other way.

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Where when you try and be more assertive,

you find that potentially you worry that

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you might come across as aggressive,

then this one is really helpful and

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it's to use what's called I statements.

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And this is really simple.

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It's about framing statements

in your own context.

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So you are speaking from

your own perspective.

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So what I mean by that is saying

something like, I feel we should do this

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because you're stating your perspective,

you're giving your reasoning and

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rather than ask a question of don't

you think this would be a good idea,

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or I thought this might work, you're

stating that slightly more powerful

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I've concluded this is my reasoning.

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You're not excluding other people's views.

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You're not telling other people

you're wrong or I'm not listening to

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you, but you are simply giving that

impression and that perspective.

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And that can also really help

to avoid that defensive reaction

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that you spoke about before.

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Because if you say, I think that's

wrong, or I think you're wrong, then

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that can prompt that defensive reaction

reaction, but when you say, I think

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this because, or I'd like us to go

down this route, that gives you some

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power in the way that you're delivering

that communication without excluding

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or suggesting others are wrong.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And I think as well, like a

big part of being perceived as

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assertive is how you carry yourself.

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Let's look at some things that people

can do some tips that can help people

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feel more self assured in their abilities

to use those I statements and to really

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own their communications and, put across

what they really want to say in a way

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that is perceived well, from all parties.

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Jacqui: Yeah, so behavior and that self

assurance I think is a great description

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because this isn't cockiness, this isn't

competitive or status driven, this is that

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calm, grounded sense that you belong and

that your perspective is worth sharing.

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And if you can develop that and develop

the behaviors, then the communication

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often comes naturally as a result of that.

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So the first one that we've got

is thinking about the messages

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that you give to yourself.

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So that self talk, that inner monologue,

that kind of chatter that people

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have going on, and this is often a

big reason why people don't talk.

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Don't assert themselves or don't assert

themselves in perhaps the way that they'd

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like to because they're too busy beating

themselves up and judging themselves

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for the things that they've done wrong

or for not being confident enough.

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Pam: Yeah.

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And I think when we were talking about

about this podcast today, Making it a

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habit to remind yourself of the strengths

and the talents that you've got and how

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your experience allows you to really

contribute and add value and really

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thinking through that and owning it.

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Rather than thinking about, oh, for

example, depending on your skill and

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experience on a topic that's up for

discussion, you could say something

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along the lines of, I'm knowledgeable

about this topic and have every right to

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share my views clearly and competently

around this subject and is really

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checking in with yourself, isn't it?

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And just rather than rubbishing yourself.

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I think the easiest thing or the most

common thing we do to ourselves is

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rubbish ourselves and put ourselves down.

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How often do we actually

go hold on a minute.

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I am knowledgeable about this topic.

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I have every right to talk about

this topic, or even if you have some

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knowledge, you can still state that

you've got some knowledge, you've got

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some understanding, you've had some

experience, you are to do that and share

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your opinions and stop beating yourself

up and almost it's, I suppose it's

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almost putting yourself down, isn't it?

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And really leaning into the stuff

that you do know about that you are

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knowledgeable and giving yourself

that positive self talk rather than

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that, that kind of beating yourself

up and putting yourself down.

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Jacqui: It's a great example.

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I see this when people are promoted to a

senior leadership role and they maybe join

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senior leadership team for the first time.

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And there are two ways when you're

in a senior leadership meeting

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that you can have a perspective.

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So you can either say to

yourself, I'm the newbie here.

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I 'm not as knowledgeable or as

experienced as these people, and you

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can feel nervous about sharing your

views or asking questions in case you're

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perceived as asking a stupid question.

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Or what you can do is choose to lean

into the fact that you are new in that

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situation and therefore you potentially

offer a different perspective.

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If you're new to the organization, you may

be noticing things that other people that

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have been there for years may be noticing.

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Don't notice.

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If you've been promoted internally, you

maybe have relationships with people

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and have more of a flavor of how people

might react or respond to decisions

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or what some of the challenges might

be in getting something implemented

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than someone who's been operating at

a senior leadership level for longer.

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So those are some specific

examples of where you can choose

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to listen to the voice that says,

You're not experienced enough.

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You don't know enough.

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You're not as experienced

as those other people.

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You don't deserve to have a contribution.

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And you can listen to that

voice of doubt and inhibit

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yourself and not assert yourself.

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Or you can listen to that voice that

says I bring a different perspective.

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I have the opportunity to

contribute differently.

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Those people are more similar to

each other and they can contribute

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more of the same, but I can offer

something different in this situation.

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And whichever of those you listen

to will typically drive that sense

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of self assurance and that will

allow you to contribute differently.

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So you spend all a hundred percent

of your time in your own head.

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Boy, you wouldn't spend time

with a friend who constantly

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critiqued you and put you down.

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You'd find that exhausting.

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And yet we do it to ourselves.

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So making that conscious habit of stepping

into listening to the more helpful

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perspectives that help to build that

sense of self assurance and allow you

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to make that contribution is invaluable.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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I love that because we do always

forget about the positive self talk.

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I think, especially in tense

situations or situations that we're

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finding uncomfortable, positive self

talk always goes out the window.

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That goes for me and, for the

clients that I work with as well.

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So I think, that is definitely something

to think about and focus in on.

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And the second one is

one that I really like.

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I actually do this all of the

time and I'll do it before

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I get up on stage and speak.

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I'll do it before Zoom calls.

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I'll do it, there's loads of, I

even do it before the podcast.

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But power pose then is one of, and.

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One of the things that I think

really helps change how you feel and

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also like it helps with your body

language as well, because if you

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do a few power poses and we're just

talking like, standing up straight,

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stretching your arms out, they can be.

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Whatever you want them to be.

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You can Google some and see what Google

suggests around the different poses.

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But generally it's just about making

yourself tall and standing tall and

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really breathing in and taking those

deep breaths that like really allow

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you to almost own your space, isn't it?

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And feel really strong

in, in those situations.

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And I used to, when I was in

the corporate world, I used to.

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Do power poses in the

toilet before presentations.

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I've done power poses in meeting rooms

and actually being caught doing them.

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And when I thought nobody was around,

I'll just do a quick power pose.

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And people have walked in

and I've gone, Oh, hello.

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And then I've ended up

explaining what I was doing.

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And people are always like,

Oh, wow, that's a great idea.

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To get you into the right place.

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Mindset, but one other thing that I do

with that as well is I have a playlist

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on Spotify with all my power songs.

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And if there is anything that I need to

like, I've got a song for everything.

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I've got upbeat songs, I've got

slower songs, but I've got songs

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that really put my mind in the

right place for those situations.

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So if you haven't got a

power song list, I would.

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As as well as thinking about

power poses, I would also get

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yourself a playlist set up as well.

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Jacqui: Love that tip.

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This is the reverse of what I was

talking about before, where I was

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saying about logical and measured and

allowing yourself to be considered in

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the way that you deliver communication.

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Sometimes what you need to feel that

sense of self assurance and confidence is

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an emotional state that you can connect

to where you just feel it in your bones.

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And music is such a great way to change

emotional state and connect yourself

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into the feelings that you want to have.

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I don't have a full playlist, but

I've got a couple of songs that when

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I want to get into for me, it's more

of that kind of creative, expansive

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headspace as opposed to being assertive.

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But I love that concept of having songs

that just immediately connect you to

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the feeling that you want to have.

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And then the behavior follows because as

humans, we behave based on how we feel.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And then I think finally with

this one is the visualization

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and the mental rehearsal.

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And I think when we were talking before

about recording yourself, as well as going

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through it mentally and thinking through

that process, I think the recording of

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those communications is invaluable within

this because how it sounds in your head is

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not always how it comes out of your mouth.

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And you'll know this because there'll

be times when you've been sat in

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a meeting, you've been sat in an

interview, various different ways of

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communicating and your mouth will be

moving and sounds will be coming out

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and your brain will be saying, shut up.

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This is not what I want you to be saying

or it's not coming out in the right way.

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So I think the visualization

and the mental rehearsal and.

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Where you can, record and that's a

practice really helps because it helps

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your brain, get it in the right order.

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It helps you recall it much easier.

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And it is something that, that I try

to do a lot because I just think from

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a personal development perspective,

it's such a good thing to do.

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And I advise all of my clients to do

it as well, because it really helps.

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And you can really see the difference

in people when they start to do that.

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Jacqui: I had a conversation about

this just yesterday with a client who's

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got an important presentation to do.

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They are doing this in front of a

leadership team that they know some of,

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but have differing levels of relationship

with their new into their role.

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And they were thinking through,

how is it going to feel?

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I've got to arrive into a team's meeting

with my slot, with my thing prepared.

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I've got to consider how am I going to

read the room and understand how they are.

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Receiving the messages

that I'm communicating.

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I've got to be ready to keep going

if perhaps the reactions aren't

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as positive as I'd initially like.

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So it was that real process

of mental rehearsal.

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How do I compose myself in her words?

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How do I go and smash it when

I'm delivering this presentation?

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And that mental rehearsal

is such a great way.

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Yes, say the words out loud, but

also the mental rehearsal element

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comes in where you think about the

different scenarios that could happen.

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So you could have people

looking bored and interested.

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You could have a situation in perhaps

a one to one conversation where you've

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got to bring up a difficult topic

where somebody becomes emotional.

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You could have it where, they get angry.

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So mentally considering what are the

possibilities that I might face in that

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situation and telling your brain how

you want it to respond in that situation

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allows you to maintain that composure.

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Because like when we've spoken

about mental rehearsal before,

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it's that process of just letting

your brain have a plan you.

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So that can kick in if it needs it.

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And that's the real value.

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Pam: Yeah, exactly.

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And I think it's also good to

remember as well, that assertiveness

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doesn't mean that you have to try

and be someone that you're not.

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And it isn't about being

aggressive or ignoring people.

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And it isn't about faking confidence or

trying to be the largest in the room.

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Assertiveness really does come from a

mixture of employing simple practical

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techniques in your communication and

your behaviors, along with reminding

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yourself that you're just as deserving

of making a contribution and being

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listened to as everyone else.

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And it really does allow you to

advocate for yourself and your team.

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In a way that allows you to be heard

and create real influence and impact.

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So if you are listening to this

podcast and it's something that you've

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been struggling with and you want

Or you're maybe you're struggling to

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find the balance between being nice

and assertive or polite and direct,

497

then Jacqui's Leadership Power Hour

will be absolutely perfect to help you

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unpack all of the strategies and really

work out what will work best for you.

499

. and.

500

As usual, please share this

episode with anyone that you

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think might find it useful.

502

And please don't forget to rate and review

us on your favorite podcast platforms.

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And we will be back next

week with another episode.