Ep 67 – The Difference Between Confidence and Self Belief

Hello and welcome to this week's episode.

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This week we are talking about the

difference between confidence and self

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belief because we know this comes up a

lot for people and it's quite hard to

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know the difference and why it matters,

and also what you can do to improve both.

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We know that this is a real

hot topic for our clients.

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It comes up a lot.

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And for a lot of the groups that we're in

as well, people are always talking about

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things that have knocked their confidence,

areas that they're lacking confidence,

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and we thought, it's time to, to talk

about this, explore it, break it down and

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really get under the skin of it because.

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I always think confidence can

be like a real mask to actually

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what is going on underneath.

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So before we get into it, let's just

talk about some of the situations

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and some of the things that have

come up for our clients, because

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I think that'll be key for people

to go, yeah, that's the situation

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I'm in, or yeah, I've been there.

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So what would you say the

most common situation is?

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Jacqui: There are a few scenarios

where this often crops up and I

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think probably the reason that we

see it and we notice it is because

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it often takes people by surprise.

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Because this is something that I see very

often when clients have been promoted.

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And there's this element where they

feel like Initially, yes, I've got

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the promotion or, I've got the job

and I've now got, my head of role or

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my director role or what have you.

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And then they get into the

job and then things happen.

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And these are some of the

examples that we've seen.

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So it might be that they get

personality based feedback.

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And we've talked in previous

episodes about people are

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terrible at giving feedback.

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And at a senior level, it

comes with the territory.

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You will receive feedback often from.

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All sides and from people who are

busy and people who perhaps don't

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take the care and attention to

think about how they deliver it.

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There's often struggles

with internal politics.

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So when you get to a more senior

level, the way that decisions

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are made is often very different.

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And I think there's also that element of.

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Yeah.

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How do you create if you like your,

leadership brand and reputation

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at that more senior level?

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How do you get other

people to buy into you?

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And there's that element as well,

sometimes of people undermining you.

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Whether, again, whether that's, you go

new into a business and somebody doesn't

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take to you or whether, it's a result of

perhaps some of those internal politics,

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I know that we've both seen that situation

where someone that's either at your

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level or more senior then undermines you.

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And I think all of those kinds of

situations and more can result in

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people questioning themselves, feeling

that their confidence has dipped

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and struggling with, my confidence

has just gone missing in action.

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Like I, I felt.

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If six months ago, I felt on top

of the world or a year ago, people

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sometimes struggle with it for a very

long time before they take action.

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And I think that's another thing

people feel like they, they

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just have to carry on going.

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But there are solutions.

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So I think that's why for us, these

types of examples stand out because

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once you understand it, why it's

happening, then you can make the

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choice about how you want to tackle it.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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Cause it is so hard when

you're in that situation.

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And especially if you feel alone in

that situation and you just need to

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power on and get over it and everything

will work out and it doesn't, sometimes

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it gets worse and sometimes you can

feel even worse and feel like your

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confidence has been knocked even more.

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I remember back at the start of my career,

when someone said, when I actually asked

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someone, actually, what are these office

politics that everyone talks about?

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And they just laughed probably when I

think back quite an evil little laugh.

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And, as soon as I was in that senior

leadership position, then all of those

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office politics that I was wondering

about, yeah, they were right there.

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And it was really difficult to get a

grip of them, to understand what was

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going on, to know how to position myself.

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And it does it can really knock

your confidence and really make

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you doubt yourself as well.

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And I think that's the thing, isn't it?

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Because you doubt yourself,

you lack confidence.

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It's it's almost like that downward spiral

or that cycle that you can't get out of.

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But I think one thing that we probably

should do on the podcast is define

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the difference between confidence and

that inner self belief because they

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often go hand in hand, but I think

they are quite different, aren't they?

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Jacqui: They are.

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And this, with clients that I've worked

with one to one, this has sometimes

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been a real lightbulb moment when people

understand and separate the two and

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recognize that maybe where they thought

they needed to do some work or where they

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thought they needed something to change

was perhaps not exactly what it was.

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Pam: Yeah.

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And that's the thing, isn't it?

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In terms of defining confidence, what

would be your definition of confidence?

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Jacqui: So the way I describe

it when I'm working with clients

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is that your confidence is a

situational temporary thing.

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And in any given situation, your

level of confidence is essentially

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your expectation about whether or

not there'll be a positive outcome.

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So you will have a level of

confidence in whether or not you

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can deliver this project on time.

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You will have a level of confidence

if you approach a particular

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conversation about whether you can

make sure that you get the outcome

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that you want from that conversation.

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So for me, confidence is on the one

hand, it can be relatively easy to grow

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because broadly speaking, confidence

typically grows from taking action.

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Because when you take action, you

have experience and when you have

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the experience you learn and when you

learn, you can then refine and improve

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your skill set and then you can get

better at whatever that thing is.

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So confidence for me is situational.

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And kind of surface level, really.

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It's based on your own, your brain's

kind of internal calibration of

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based on the evidence up to this

point, what's the expectation that

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I have of a positive outcome or not.

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And that means it can

also be quite fragile.

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So you can feel quite confident going.

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So a presentation is one I always

use as an example for this.

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You go into a presentation,

you feel quite confident.

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You feel like, yeah, I'm okay at this.

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I'm prepared.

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I'm ready to go.

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And then maybe somebody tears it to

shreds and then your confidence takes

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a dive because it didn't go with the

positive way that you expected it to go.

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So your confidence level can fluctuate

quite dramatically as a result of the

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changing evidence that is presented to

your brain over quite a short time frame.

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Pam: Yeah, that's a really good way

of looking at it as well, isn't it?

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Just knowing that it will fluctuate

and that's completely normal

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for it to do that, depending on

the situations that you find.

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self in.

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But just define self belief for us as

well, because I think once we fully

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understand the differences, then we

can really unpack what people need

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to do in order to build up both.

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Jacqui: Yeah, so for me, self belief

is often what people are actually

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referring to when they say that they're

struggling with their confidence.

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So a lot of my clients will actually

be quite confident that they have the

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subject matter expertise and the ability

to deliver a lot within their role.

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Where they might actually be struggling

is at more of that deeper level

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where they might have doubts about

their overall capacity, their overall

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potential to be able to handle all of

the challenges that life and this role

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and their career is throwing at them.

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So for me, self belief is that kind

of deeper foundation, if you like,

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that other things are then built on.

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And it's that more so than a situational

expectation of a positive outcome, it's

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about whether you trust yourself to

be able to handle the overall level of

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challenge that you're being exposed to.

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Pam: Yeah.

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And that's a really good point, isn't it?

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Around trusting yourself.

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Because I think we forget, don't we?

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We get so wrapped up in the day to day

and what's going on that it's at that

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lower level, at that like internal

level, are we trusting ourselves?

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I think that's a really

good point to make.

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So why does it matter then

if you lack self belief?

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So I suppose like now we've defined both

of them, I've got a better understanding

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of the differences because I think most of

the time you put them together, don't you,

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as one of the same, but actually the way

you explain it they're quite different.

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And I suppose in some ways

complement each other as well.

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Yeah.

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What is the, what is the real problem

then with lacking that self belief?

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Why does it matter?

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Jacqui: So I think there's a few reasons,

and I think, first if I take two of

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the key ones, so first of all, I think

there's an element of where you lack self

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belief, then you often will also lack

confidence because what you'll seek to

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do if you lack self belief is to avoid

situations where you lack confidence

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because that something going badly.

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So that example I gave of the

presentation and it not going well.

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If you lack self belief and you go into

a presentation and it doesn't go well,

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it reinforces that deeper level of doubt.

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So it can make you avoid doing things that

are opportunities to stretch and grow.

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And I think the other thing on almost

the other side of the coin, is when you

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lack self belief, you also then can be

overly swayed by external validation.

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So for me, self belief is that bedrock

of you believe in yourself, you believe

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you're okay, you will back yourself

to be able to handle challenges.

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And if that's missing, then there's a

real kind of dopamine hit and a quick fix

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that can be sought by behaviors that will

get you validation from other people.

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And a lot of those behaviors are,

or can be, whether in the shorter

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term or longer term, quite damaging.

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So it can be things like people pleasing

and trying to do what you think will

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get you the positive validation from

somebody else, it can be overstepping your

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own boundaries and working your ass off

to try and prove yourself because, when

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you struggle for it yourself, you really

want from other people that recognition,

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to reinforce something positive.

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And it's almost.

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Those things only really

touch the surface level.

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They don't go to that kind of deeper

level, but in seeking them you can

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create patterns of behavior that are

unsustainable unhealthy, unhelpful, and

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actually don't address the fundamental

issue of that lack of self belief anyway.

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Pam: Yeah, it's a really interesting

one that isn't it because that

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there's that real differences in there

between having that inner belief that

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you know what you're doing and then

needing that external validation.

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And there's a real fine line isn't there

with that because if you're constantly

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needing to get that external validation,

it's like, Why do you need that?

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Why don't you have the self belief?

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Why don't you know that you're

great at what you're doing?

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And why do you need that?

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And I suppose the questions that

you can ask yourself when you find

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yourself in that situation, like,

why do I need this validation?

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Do I need it?

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I think sometimes it can be a real

habit that you get yourself into where

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you're just going through that cycle.

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And you're constantly looking for that

validation, looking for those nice

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comments, looking for people to give you

a pat on the back and things like that.

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But do you actually need it?

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And if you do, what do you need it for?

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And what is sitting underneath that?

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I think they're really key things

aren't they, to start exploring

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and unpacking for yourself.

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Because I think once you start doing

that, like that really, for me in

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the past, when I've done that myself,

and I've, I've asked myself, why do

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I need somebody to tell me that's

great or that I'm doing a good job?

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Why don't I believe that myself?

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And when you do break it down, there

are other things that sit it underneath

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that, and it's almost having that self

awareness to know where your limitations

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are, to know what you need support with,

and to actually make sure that you go out

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there and you get that support to make

sure it's in your personal development

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plan, whether the company is good or bad,

helping you create a personal development

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plan or helping you to maintain one.

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You should be doing that

yourself, shouldn't you?

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I firmly believe that you shouldn't

wait for the company to do appraisals

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and personal development plans.

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I think you should be doing them

yourself anyway, because that's

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the only way that you'll learn and

grow through doing that reflection.

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Jacqui: Yeah.

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And I think the thing is.

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That it's hard work.

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Often, if you are finding that your

self belief is not where it ideally

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should be and you've fallen into

some of those patterns of behavior

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where you're seeking it elsewhere,

then it's hard because if you, like

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I say you then, will sometimes avoid

those situations that could reinforce

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some of those doubts that you have.

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So you might avoid asking for feedback.

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You might avoid putting yourself in

situations that could stretch you and

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grow you and provide you with a challenge.

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Because if you fail, then you reinforce

a belief that you're a failure.

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If you do it and it doesn't go

well, you reinforce a belief

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that you're not good enough.

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And this is often some of the work

that I really like to do with clients

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early on when they first get promoted

into a senior leadership role because

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it can really be a trigger for rocking

the degree or for testing it in a way

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that perhaps a less senior role hasn't

exposed to that degree of test to the

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level of self belief that you've got.

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And you're absolutely right on the

importance of that kind of ownership.

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And that's a slogan of take

ownership of your career.

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But it is, it's hard work to do that work.

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And it's easier, I think, to try

and look for quick fix solutions.

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And also when it's confidence

rather than self belief.

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then confidence is, because

it's situational, because it's

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context specific, it kind of

points to a solution more easily.

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So if you're doing a PDP and your

issue is about confidence with

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presentations, okay, I can request and

go on a presentation skills course.

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And I can help to build that

skill and I can improve at that.

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If you are struggling for

your fundamental level of self

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belief, it's more generalized.

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And how often have we

talked about specificity?

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We can even say the word now

we've said it that often.

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And so that, that kind of

self belief foundation.

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If that's not there is harder to address,

but it's more important to address

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because the consequences have such far

reaching ramifications for the kind of

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trajectory of your longer term career.

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Pam: Yeah, definitely.

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And I love the way that you do with the,

with the first 90 days stuff, because I do

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feel like back at the start of my career

if there'd been somebody that I could

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have worked with to really understand me.

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And make that impact in those first 90

days I feel like I did fast track through

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my career, but I feel like I could have

done it with a stronger foundation.

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It's, we we just, we're just expected

to know all of this stuff, aren't we?

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And what I love most about the work that

you do is it just really allows people.

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people to put themselves in the frame for

those opportunities that ordinarily they

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would let pass them by because they're

not quite at that stage yet, or they

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need to do a little bit more before they

do that, or they need a little bit more

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experience in the role before, they find

their voice and all of that kind of stuff.

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And I feel if you can almost

front load, it's great.

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All of that stuff and make that impact,

within the business, but also within

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your own confidence and self belief

levels, like if you can do that early

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on in any role you're setting off

on those really strong foundations.

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And it just makes such a difference,

or it will make such a difference.

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If you think about every time

you start a new role, you are

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on shaky ground, aren't you?

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You're so excited.

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You go in, you get the buyer's remorse.

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It's like what we've talked about before.

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You go right off the top

of that rollercoaster, you

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come straight back down.

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There's all of the snakes and

the snipers that you deal with.

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There's so much that goes on.

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So just having that

space to unravel it all.

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create them strong foundations, I think,

is I would advise that for everyone.

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Jacqui: And it's an ongoing

practice, it's not something that

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you do that once and it's done.

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It's more about that ongoing mental

fitness for facing the challenges that

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inevitably come with more senior roles.

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So it's not a case of,

you can just do it once.

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And it's hurrah, I've built my

self belief and now it's all fine.

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There will be things that

will impact it along the way.

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And so it isn't, it is an ongoing practice

that I always advise that people build

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the strategies to be able to understand

and manage their own level of self belief.

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And that's such a helpful thing most

people do not have to set them up for

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success in their leadership roles.

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Pam: Yeah, and I suppose people

listening to this would probably

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be thinking, like Where do I start

with building my own self belief?

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If you're listening to this and

resonating with any of this, you're

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probably thinking, what can I do?

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So what would be your top

tips on building self belief?

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Jacqui: So I've got four questions

that I think people can use as

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reflection questions, journal prompts,

however you like to think of it.

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And the first one is your identity.

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What do you believe about yourself?

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And asking yourself that question

can sometimes bring up some

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really surprising answers.

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So I would always encourage people

with this kind of an exercise to

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do it, where you're relaxed to

handwrite rather than try and type,

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or to maybe use a voice recorder

on your phone that will transcribe.

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But just to ask yourself that question

of, what do I believe about myself?

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And when you do that and you look back

over so just literally just don't think

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about what you're writing or producing

or saying don't self don't edit as you're

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doing it, but just say what comes to mind.

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When you go back to it, often

what people experiences they'll

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see things that they're like.

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God do I do?

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Do I believe that?

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What?

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And you'll find things that are

surprising that your subconscious

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will churn out if you just let go

of trying to be in that kind of

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rational, conscious place of thought.

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So then when you look back

over it, there are three other

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questions that you can then use.

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One is, which of those beliefs help you?

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So which do you want to reinforce?

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Which do you want to remind

yourself of, which are helpful.

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Then which of those

beliefs might hinder you?

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And that could be now or longer term.

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What on there do you think either is

not helpful to you now or maybe hasn't

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been helpful to you and that's where you

are struggling with your self belief?

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Or what might be a hindrance for the

career progression that you want?

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And then, The final one is what helpful

beliefs do you want to choose to build?

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Because a belief is

basically a thought habit.

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It's a thought that you've thought often

enough that the way that your brain works,

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your neural pathway has fired and wired,

and you've now created that as a belief.

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You can create new beliefs, but

it takes attention, it takes

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repetition, it takes that decision

to create a more helpful belief.

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And it can start really simply with what

are some of those more helpful beliefs

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that I'm going to choose to build?

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And I think, this is the kind of

stuff that can be really powerful

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if you're working with a coach.

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And I'm sure people that are listening

and that have worked with coaches

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will recognize some of these questions

and will have been asked them.

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And I think, they can be really powerful

when you're working with a coach,

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but actually you can start really

simply with asking yourself those

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questions, giving yourself some time

and space and just seeing what comes

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up and starting to work from there.

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Pam: Yeah, that's brilliant.

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And I think with those questions,

like those questions you can check

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in with yourself, on a regular basis.

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With those questions, especially

if there's, if there's times where

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you're having a bit of a wobble.

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Or even if there's times where you're

feeling really happy and really high

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on life and everything's going well,

it's always good, isn't it, to ask

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yourself those questions so you can

almost get those things straight in

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your mind and build on them or work out

ways in order to, to overcome anything

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that is coming up negatively for you.

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So hopefully you found this

episode really useful, especially

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if you've been struggling with

your confidence levels recently.

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And if there's anybody that you can

share it with, to help them with

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their confidence, then please do that.

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And don't forget to let us know if there's

any topics that you'd like us to cover.

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Don't forget to rate and review us on

your favorite podcast platforms and we'll

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be back next week with another episode.